NO LONGER CHILDREN

Growth from co-dependent, immature "childhood" to independent yet. interconnected "adulthood"

Many controlling groups, whether economic, religious or political, use the "family" model as their blueprint. --With domineering, protective parents' and "children" acting out the many types of offspring and sibling behavior. It is interesting to note that leaders in these groups are invariably venerated and elevated to "father" and/or "mother" status. All assume the role and many the parental title -- Father David, Mama Maria, Mother Meera, Guru Ma, etc. etc.

Members of these "families" are always treated as if they were still children. Hence, true "adult" maturity of the member, which is seen as a threat to the leader, can never be achieved. "Family" life in such controlling groups becomes a constant struggle by the "child" to gain acceptance, approval and "love" by one's unquestioning obedience and dedication. Most of these groups' leaders are extremely insecure and battling for acceptance. and approval themselves from God and others . Therefore, "family" life becomes a very tense and insecure environment. The more insecure, therefore domineering, the "parents" of these groups are the more dysfunctional their "families" will be. The goal of the "parent"/leader always is to strengthen and protect the "family" as a unit and not the growth and strengthening of the members as individuals. Hence, doctrines, revelations and 'truths' are all just a means of control. So whether these groups have the "family" model , pyramidicaI structure or even quasi-militarilism, the goal is always the empowerment of the group and its leader(s) through the control of the individual.

As Carl Jung so succinctly stated, "In the clamor of the many there lies the power to snatch wish-fulfillments by force; sweetest of all, however, is that gentle and painless slipping back into the kingdom of childhood, into the paradise of parental care....All the thinking and looking after are from the top; to all questions there is an answer, and for all needs the necessary provision is made. The infantile dream state of the mass man is so unrealistic that he never thinks to ask who is paying for this paradise. The balancing of accounts is left to a higher political or social authority, which welcomes the task, for its power is thereby increased; and the more power it has, the weaker and more helpless the individual becomes. "

The following are suggestions for one leaving such a dysfunctional "family", to help the growth of the "child" to mature "adulthood".

Growth through facing Truth

All overly structured and self focused groups have a view of God, self and others that at best is restrictive and controlling , and at worst abusive and destructive. So, on leaving these groups one must attempt to leave behind these views and to see things in a healthy and truthful manner, because our view of God, ourselves and others is interconnected and greatly affects our actions and interaction.

Like the story that James Michener told in his book The Source: The story is set in 2200 B.C. Palestine when human sacrifice was common. A couple is told by the priests they are one of the couples chosen for the honour of sacrificing their son. The stars have foretold of a military invasion that can only be avoided by this human sacrifice. The mother watches in horror as her only son falls through the god Melak's gaping mouth into the roaring fire that quickly consumes the sacrifice. She cannot cry out or show any emotion lest the priests see and Melak be angry. A short time later we learn another aspect of of their worship. Her husband has been rewarded for his productive farming that year and will spend seven days cavorting with a temple priestess. While others celebrate, the woman walks slowly homeward, seeing life with a new and painful clarity: with different gods how different things would have been .

How do you see God?

Just as controlling groups are their leader so their God is like their leader, or at least is how their leader sees God. So if their leader is vengeful, outspoken, preoccupied by sex or a "righteous" abstainer from sex, prone to fits of anger, jealous, distrustful of others, changes his mind without notice, sees everything black or white, etc. then their God is also like that.

So on leaving a controlling group we must ask ourselves, "How do we see God?". Vengeful or merciful? A keeper of accounts or forgiving? Controlling or liberating? A bringer of turmoil or peace? A God that is deceptive or a God of Truth?

A God of Truth must be seen truthfully. We then can live life in peace, a state of confident knowing, a true state of Grace. As Thomas A Harris said so well in his classic book , I'M OK -- YOU'RE OK: "The central message of Christ's ministry was the concept of grace. Grace is a 'loaded' word, but it is difficult to find a word to replace it. The concept of grace...is a theological way of saying, I'M OK - YOU'RE OK. It is not YOU CAN BE OK, IF, or YOU WILL BE ACCEPTED, IF, but rather YOU ARE ACCEPTED, unconditionally.

This concept is incomprehensible to many 'religious persons,' because it can only be perceived by the Adult, and many religious persons are Parent-dominated. The Parent has too many reservations about the other guy and reads the creed YOU CAN BE OK, IF. The Child, on the other hand, has devised many games to evade the judgment of the Parent ..... The non-Adult transmission of Christian doctrines has been the greatest enemy of the Christian message of Grace."

The reality is that God unconditionally loves us, completely forgives us and fully accepts us. Knowing and accepting this truth frees us from the games of a works religion of striving to gain acceptance, approval and recognition. Many controlling groups preach Grace but in fact are works-driven. So breaking free of this erroneous thinking liberates us to know a God who relates to us graciously and lovingly.

From this perspective, all views of greatness or holiness or closeness to God of select individuals are seen in their true triviality. And we see ourselves in true interconnectedness with God and others, a true "unity of the faith". Many controlling groups, and even much of institutionalized religion, practice a misunderstood Old Testament model of the prophet and the people, the king and the kingdom -- rather than the New Testament message of redemption, reconciliation and renewal through Jesus Christ resulting in oneness with God and others -- an interconnected, interdependent "Body" rather than a codependent "family".

MASK OR MIRROR? How I See Myself

As important as how we see God is how we see ourselves. When Jesus said we should love our neighbour as ourselves (Mark 12:31), he assumed that we do love ourselves. Most controlling groups vilify the self, with a distorted view of the self as something to be denied, ignored or subjugated to the will of God, the will of God meaning of course the will of the group and its leader. In a controlling group we had worth as individuals only according to our usefulness to the group and its purposes. Our personal desires, preferences, talents, creativity, our whole personality were subservient to the needs of the group as a whole, and only as we contributed to those purposes were we loved and accepted. We need to accept ourselves as God accepts us and stop being so hard on ourselves as the group we left taught us. We need to learn to trust ourselves, our decisions, our ability to hear from God ourselves for ourselves without need for "God's prophet for today". We're free to read what we want, listen to different kinds of music, learn, explore, grow and find and use our talents. We need to see ourselves truthfully as glorious creations of a loving God who are capable of love, seeing the divine in the human experience. We need to take off the "mask" of lies and distortions that we have allowed to be placed over our true selves whether by a controlling group or out of Fear, and look into the "mirror" at the true self that God created and loves, to know God has Forgiven, accepts and has empowered us to be able to love both God and others.

Some of the lies we tell ourselves are: If we work to love God completely and Follow Him then he will reward us with a painless and happy life, and therefore when bad things happen to us it must be our fault - always. Therefore we can't change - we'll always be like we are. Caught in the lies of the performance trap, approval addiction, grinding guilt and merciless fear of the blame game -- we feel powerless, isolated, unworthy and unloved.

We must ask ourselves if our views and thoughts about ourselves nurture, heal, strengthen and empower us. If not, it is a lie to be discarded like a mask to reveal our true image in God's mirror of truth. The result will be a life truly lived, love truly given and the hope we have bringing healing to ourselves and others as we receive the strength to reach out.

As vigorously as we hung on to the lies we need to passionately embrace the truth. Practical ways of doing this include meditating on the great truths of God about our total acceptance and forgiveness, reading the works of those who share the power of a positive perspective and practicing positive "self talk" such as reminding ourselves every day that we are totally loved, wholly Forgiven and completely accepted. So when the lies come to mind, we can stop and say, "No, that's not true! I prefer to believe the truth about myself." So, loving ourselves is not narcissistic or egocentric, but the starting point to enable us to love others as ourselves.

HOW WE SEE OTHERS

How we see others is a reflection of how we see ourselves. In most controlling groups, we saw others on a scale of how useful they were to the group and its goals, how we could manipulate the person to further the ends of the group whether conversion, financial contributions, public relations, etc. This is just how our worth was based -- how we contributed to the group and furthered its aims. As long as we performed accordingly, we were loved and accepted but as soon as we began to question the leader or practices, became too ill or weary to perform we were immediately targeted for "retaining" or -rejected altogether. In this view, others are valued for what they can contribute to our own agenda. The way we related to others was based on control -- we allowed ourselves to be controlled by the group.

However, once we see ourselves as unconditionally loved, completely forgiven and totally accepted we begin to see and treat others in the same way, not for what they can do for us or how they boost our egos but as unique creations of God that we can love and learn from. We are freed from the "games people play" to be able to nurture and empower others as we are nurtured and empowered, with the same divine source of power we can all tap into. We don't have to get our power or worth at the expense of another's but can share and increase that power. Husbands and wives, parents and children, friends and acquaintances -- all relationships become new when we see others in a true light as divine creations of the same loving God who created us and as such are worthy of the respect and love we have for ourselves, who have unique gifts and talents to give and purpose to fulfill.

Marriage & Family: All controlling groups control the marriage relationship and the family as well as the individual. Some groups err to the side of sexual abstinence, others to the side of sexual "liberation". But we learn that true liberation can only be achieved in faithful monogamy.-- True freedom through faithfulness. When we see others in truth and love we want to strengthen, uplift and support not control and subjugate. We see our partner as a "soul mate", a fellow spiritual being having a human experience. This view frees us from the bondage of control and manipulation to the common bond of nurturing and growth.

We begin to see our children in this manner -- not to be controlled and directed to become carbon copies of ourselves and our beliefs, but rather individual unique creations of God to be nurtured and encouraged to become true adults. No longer needing to use our beliefs, dogmas or God as a "club" to beat "the truth" into their heads. "Would Jesus like what you’re doing?" now becomes, "I love you and know you can make the right decision that's not harmful to you and others". Unless it's a life-threatening situation, we can give them the room as they grow older to make their own decisions, so they can learn from seeing the fruits of it. Just as we're learning to re-establish our boundaries, we need to show our children and teens the security of healthy boundaries. Children need stability and to know they are protected and safe from harm. It's important to reinforce constantly our unconditional love for them which is not based on their achievement or performance.

Children, teen-agers and young adults raised in controlling groups need to break the power these groups had over them. We as adults and parents of these children must help in this freeing process. We need to tell them we are sorry for the false beliefs and harmful practices they were subjected to. We need to reassure them that the truth is setting us free and we are there for them as we all grow in love and grace.

As in adults so in children: There is no greater liberation from being controlled and controlling others than embracing the truth that one is completely loved, forgiven and accepted.

So, a healthy view of others and relating to others is based on interdependence which is realizing each other's worth and value, appreciating each other's talents and skills -- not codependence which is based on control or being controlled. To rejoice with them, even their weaknesses and shortcomings and failings -- not grading everyone on a curve of their usefulness and how they measure up to some standard.

As we look at things truthfully, we begin to see our interconnectedness with all those around us. Then if and when we join a church, fellowship or group of like minded souls it wouldn't be to get love, approval or acceptance but one of mutual growth and purpose. We then can move into living our lives "on purpose". A life of true purpose is shown us by Dr. Wayne W, Dyer in his book Real Magic where he states, "Purpose is giving yourself away and refusing to ask, ‘What's in it for me?’ Purpose is about relating with love rather than judgment. Purpose is all about giving yourself to others unconditionally and accepting what comes back with love ... When you are past the need to suffer and dominate others, when you are past a what's-in-it-for-me attitude, toward relationships, and when you're focused on giving. serving and being non-judgmental, then real magic begins to manifest itself in your life every day." Real magic will unfold in our lives when we begin to see God, ourselves and others through the eyes of love, forgiveness and acceptance -- we will be growing in Grace.

As we grow from "childhood" to true "adulthood" we will be living what it says in Ephesians 4:14,15: "...that we should no longer be children, tossed to and for and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness by which they lie in wait to deceive, but speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head-Christ- "

GROWING AND MOVING ON

A truthful view of God, one's self and others will soften the blow of re-entering the "real world" on the practical level. On leaving a controlling group one is confronted with the reality of having to feed, clothe and provide for one's self and one's family. This can be a disturbing and unsettling time, one of doubts and confusion. It helps to see past the "serving God and not working for mammon" manipulative view and to see the true spirituality and honor in providing for and nurturing one's family.

It's important not to be discouraged or feel overwhelmed with the prospect of training needed and heavy job load on top of being middle aged, perhaps with a large family and no real career. One must stay positive and realize we were willing to work hard to promote a controlling group so now to reach our new goals will also take hard work, sacrifice and endurance.

There are many government and private agencies to help in one's job search, plus there is much help available in education and training programs. Take a GED test, and evaluate things you've learned and skills achieved over the years. An ex-member we know built bunk beds in the COG and now has his own contracting company building luxury houses. His wife who was in child-care now gets great fulfillment from running her own day-care. Others we know have become ministers and missionaries, others have trained and become doctors and many others nurses: The list is inspiring: Artists, musicians, youth counselors, computer experts, secretaries, instructors. Many are experiencing the joy of being a mother and homemaker, some home schooling their children. It's also good to be open to the divine guidance of "coincidence", asking, "How is this important?", "Is there something here for me?".

Having left a controlling group, now we have the joy in what Joseph Campbell called, "following our bliss". So the future is exciting though at times difficult, rewarding although a struggle, full of joy in the midst of the mundane. In our journey we're growing and learning more who we are and the true liberation of being completely loved, forgiven and accepted.

Following is a list of some books and resources that we and others have found helpful.

UNDERSTANDING CONTROLLING GROUPS

Combatting Cult Mind Control; Steven Hassan (Park Street Press)

Cult-Proofing Your Kids; Dr. Paul Martin (Zondervan) Great lessons, not just regarding kids.

The Children of God: The Inside Story; Deborah Berg Davis (out of print but available in most public & church libraries)

Churches That Abuse: Ronald Enroth

Faith That Hurts, Faith That Heals: Understanding the Fine Line Between Healthy Faith and Spiritual Abuse; Stephen Afterburn & Jack Felton (Thomas Nelson 1992)

PERSONAL GROWTH & HEALING

I'm OK, You're OK by Thomas A Harris, M.D. (Harper & Row 1969; also Avon Paperbacks) Moving from parent/child to adult/adult relationships.

The Undiscovered Self; Carl Jung (Little, Brown; 1958) The importance of the individual as opposed to the "collective" which controls and stifles individuals.

Books by M. Scott Peck, particularly: The Road Less Travelled, The Different Drum: Community-Making and Peace & A World Waiting to Be Born: Civility Rediscovered

Books by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer such as: Real Magic: Creating Miracles in Everyday Life (Harper Collins paperbacks 1992) The Sky's The Limit (Simon & Schuster, 1990) A great look at dichotomous thinking it's pitfalls and how to break free from it Your Erroneous Zones (Avon Books 1977) His best seller about freeing ourselves from the lies we believe.

Books & videos by Bernie S. Siegel, M.D. who talks about the wonderful healing power of love, such as: Peace, Love and Healing & Love, Medicine and Miracles

The Hero Within: Six Archetypes We Live By; Carol S. Pearson; (Harper & Row, 1989) Also in audio version. (Archetypes are the innocent, the orphan, the magician, the wanderer, the martyr, the warrior) Helpful in looking at our motivations, both for joining a controlling group and what we go through in leaving and how to avoid being controlled.

The Power Of Myth; Joseph Campbell (six video interviews by Bill Moyers ). Available in most public libraries, He wrote definitive works on the power of myth and the hero's quest.

Love Is A Choice: Recovery From Codependent Relationships; Hemfelt/Minirth/Meier (Thomas Nelson 1989) Involvement in a controlling group is very much a codependent relationship between the leader and the members.

Books by Dr. Nell Anderson. Most widely known is The Bondage Breaker. Follow-up books are Released From Bondage (case studies of those healed from various addictions including cults) and Walking in the Light (spiritual discernment) (Thomas Nelson 1993)

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: The Victim's Guide to Healing and Recovery; Raymond Flannery, Jr. (Crossroads Publ. 1993) - particularly the chapter on "Untreated Consequences".

The Healing Path: A Guide For Women Rebuilding Their Lives After Sexual Abuse compiled by John P. Splinter (Thomas Nelson 1993)

And. Grace Will Lead Me Home: A Spiritual Journey; John Powers (McCracken Press, 1994)

As Above, So Below: Paths of Spiritual Renewal in Daily Life; Ronald S. Miller (Jeremy P. Taicher; Los Angeles, 1992)

Fit For Life and Fit For Life II by Harvey & Marilyn Diamond (Warner Books) - guidelines for diet, fitness and also sexuality and marriage.

Books by Barbara Johnson (Word Inc.) - also has a support network & upbeat newsletter for women in pain over the loss of a child whether through death or to a destructive life style. Address: P.O Box 444, La Habra, CA 90633-0444.

CHRISTIAN LIVING

The Grace Awakening Chuck Swindoll (Word Inc, 1990) -A must-read!

The Search For Significance by Robert S. McGee (Word Inc., 1990) Sub-title: "We can build our self-worth on our ability to please others, or on the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ." YES!

Classic Christianity: Life's Too Short To Miss the Real Thing; Bob George (also Growing in Grace) (Harvest House Publishers)

The Jesus Style by Gayle D. Erwin (Word Inc.) The servant heart of Jesus.

A Few Things I've Learned Since I Knew It All; Jerry Cook (Word Inc.)

By Dr. Chrls Thurman (Thomas Nelson Publishers): The Twelve Best-Kept Secrets for Living an Emotionally Healthy Life & The Lies We Believe

Books by Tony Campolo (Word Inc.): The Kingdom of God Is a Party, How To Be Pentecostal Without Speaking in Tongues, Everything You've Heard is Wrong and Carpe Diem-(Seize the Day).

Celebration of Discipline; Richard Foster (rev. & expanded edition Harper & Row, 1988) Examines the classical disciplines of meditation, prayer, study, hating solitude, simplicity, submission, guidance, worship, celebration - how to deepen your spiritual life by putting these into practice.

Books by saints of the past such as F.B. Meyer, E.W. Tozer, Charles Spurgeon, Oswald Chambers, Watchman Nee, George MacDonald.

THEOLOGY/APOLOGETICS

Mere Christianity; C.S. Lewis (1952 Macmillan; pocketbook edition Collier Books 1960)

Eternal Security: Can You Be Sure? by Charles Stanley (Thomas Nelson Publisher)

Evidence That Demands a Verdict, 1 & 2; Josh McDowell (Thomas Nelson)

Don't Check Your Brains at the Door (for teens); Josh McDowell & Bob Hosttetter (Word Inc.)

Last Days Madness: Obsession of the Modern Church; Gary DeMar (expanded edition 1993 America Vision Publishers)

MARRIAGE & FAMILY

Key To Your Child's Heart; Gary Smalley (Word Inc.)

52 Simple Ways to Build Your Child's Self-Esteem & Confidence; Jan Dargatz (Thomas Nelson Publishers)

Disciplines of the Home; Anne Ortlund (Word Inc.)

Divorce Busting: A Step-By-Step Approach To Making Your Marriage Loving Again; Michele Weiner-Davis (Summit Books, 1992)

Moving Forward: Finding Hope & Peace in the Midst of Divorce; daily readings by Jim Smoke (Thomas Nelson Publishers 1994)

The Celebration of Sex: A Guide to Enjoying God's Gift of Married Sexual Pleasure; Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau (Thomas Nelson Publishers 1993)

Restoring the Pleasure; Helping Couples Overcome the Most Common Sexual Barriers; Clifford & Joyce Penner (Word Inc. 1992)

LIBERATING TRUTHS:

1. All controlling groups have a view of God, self and others that at best is restrictive and controlling and, at worst, abusive and destructive.

2. Our view of God, ourselves and others is interconnected and greatly affects our actions and interactions.

3. When Jesus said we should love our neighbor as ourselves, He assumed that we do love ourselves.

4. We need to take off the "mask" of lies that we have allowed to be placed over our true selves and look into the "mirror" at the true self that God created and loves.

5. Loving ourselves is not narcissistic or egocentric, but the starting point to enable us to love others as ourselves.

6. We don't have to get our power or worth at the expense of another's.

7. When we see others in truth and love, we want to strengthen, uplift and support, not control and subjugate.

8. A healthy way of relating to others is based on interdependence (realizing each other's worth and value), not codependence (based on control or being controlled).

9. It helps to see the true spirituality and honor in providing for and nurturing one's family.

10. There is no greater liberation from being controlled and controlling others than in embracing the truth that one is unconditionally loved, completely forgiven and totally accepted.