When I was about 9 years old, I accepted Jesus into my heart. Later, Iwept at 11 years old, thinking God was calling me to be a missionary.

As many women do, my mother tried to keep the marriage together byjoining my father's church. She had a salvation experience on her ownbefore marriage, but didn't realize that my father was not awhole-hearted Christian, nor did she understand that Mormonism was acult. So in joining the church, she thought he would come around fromhis "jack" Mormon ways of drinking, etc. Emotionally, she needed himto believe the way she did, but she was willing to go to his church,hopefully to convert him and save the marriage. Meanwhile, I wasbored to death learning about Joseph Smith in Sunday School insteadof Jesus.

My conversion at a Billy Graham crusade following the break-up of themarriage was real to me as a child, but in a sense was only a mentalconversion. So, when I entered the hippie days of the 60s, I threwout all previous beliefs, including Christianity. I found churchboring and unreal compared to the meditation, chanting, and mysticalthings that were coming alive and being imported by the Beatles andother famous role models. At ages 13 and 14, I was a perfect flowerchild, tried drink, drugs, and sex, yet preferred the natural high ofmeditation and wanted to keep my body to myself. I sang in coffeehouses, wrote music, and led singing in protest rallies against thewar in Vietnam. Yet, the guilt from my occasional sins kept eating atme and I desired to become pure and always hungered for some kind ofspiritual, mystical experience. I tried various eastern religiontechniques.

When my mother, brother, and I moved to San Diego, California, at age 15,I was curious to see some men selling incense, chanting, and singingdowntown. They wore saffron (orange) colored robes and had shavedheads except for one lone pony tail in the back. As I got to knowthem, I found that their International Society for KrishnaConsciousness (Hare Krishna) Temple was only 2 blocks from where welived.

I began visiting daily, learning, eating with them, chanting andsinging with them. I wanted to get rid of my bad karma (really, sin)by taking on their austere lifestyle of eating no meat, having no sex(unless with the intention of making a baby), no drink or drugs, anddoing many hundreds of chants of the Hare Krishna mantra. Though Inever moved in with them, I was convinced that they were the way toGod and I whole-heartedly was part of them.

As I entered my sixteenth year, the Jesus Revolution was beginning tosweep the country, especially California. Many of my friends hadgotten saved and began a massive prayer vigil on my behalf. We hadmany deep discussions about Krishna versus Jesus. In spite of mebeing of such "strange religion", they invited me to come lead theguitar and singing at their Christmas party, singing carols door todoor. I felt joy in doing it, as we believed Jesus was the Son of oneof the Gods.

After the carols and games, we began to have a deep discussion in whichsome were nearly offended at my beliefs. Afterwards, we all went intoa bedroom and began to have "open" prayer, where each was able topray out what they wanted. As I felt led, I prayed that God wouldshow me the truth, and make it come in a way that I would understandand accept. (I'm sure those kids rejoiced that I was willing to praythat way!)

Around two weeks later, in early January, my mother saw an ad in the paperto go hear a crusade by a "Spirit-filled Jew", Morris Cerullo. I hadno idea that meant he was a Christian. I was amazed in the meetingsto see the worship and praise in song, (where I still chanted HareKrishna under my breath). I was especially intrigued when I sawpeople getting up out of wheel chairs healed, as well as peoplespeaking and giving messages in tongues. I saw the power of God andknew it was different from what I had. When we went for hotchocolate, my mother asked what I thought and if I wanted to go back,and each night I said I wanted to return. On the second night, I wentforward to "get closer to God," but not to really get saved since Ibelieved I was right. That poor counselor! Anyway, when all kneeled,I did full obeisance as I had been taught, and some people laid handson me as they went by to pray over me.

On the third night, after the service, they announced that all youthcould get tickets for the youth banquet in the youth room (where Ihad never attended--I'd always stayed in the main room).

As I entered the room, a woman met me at the door and asked, "By theway, are you a Christian?"

I told her I was. After all, wasn't everyone in America a Christian?

Then she asked, "Do you preach at school?"

Why she proceeded that way, I'll never know, but my answer gave her theinsight she was looking for. "Well, you see, I'm in the Hare Krishna,and I mix the two together and tell everyone."

She answered, "Well, my husband was the preacher here in the youth roomtonight. He knows about the Hare Krishna. He'll talk toyou."

The young preacher told me that God loved me to which I thought, "Ofcourse He does. After all I'm doing it the right way with HareKrishna."

Then he asked me, "Do you believe the Bible?"

I told him I did. We Krishna disciples accepted it as a holy writing,though with not as much value as the Bhaga Vad Gita.

Then he told me that Jesus said that He was "...the way, the truth, andthe life. No one comes to the Father but by me." (John 14:6) I beganto get confused and upset. The man asked me if I was gettingconfused, and I admitted it; so he offered to pray for me.

In that short prayer, he bound the devil and any demons that might beconfusing me and not allowing me to hear the truth.

I immediately started crying uncontrollably. As he finished telling methe four spiritual laws, he challenged me to cross an invisible linethat he drew, to let Jesus take over my life.

Though I was still confused, and not sure I even wanted to, I got on myknees and prayed the sinner's prayer with him, stillweeping.

Then he asked a strange thing. He asked if I wanted to be baptized in theHoly Spirit. I thought he meant to go out and get baptized in water.But immediately he laid hands on me and prayed and the previouslyempty room suddenly had a number of people laying hands on me. Hetold me to ask to be baptized in the Holy Spirit, and then to beginthanking Jesus, and that I would then speak in a language that Ididn't understand.

I thought, "Yeah, right, these people worked up to that. I just startedthis. How could that be?" But I followed his directions anyway. Ibegan praying, "Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus."

The next thing I knew I was at Calvary, seeing Jesus on the cross. It wasdark, and he looked down at me. Suddenly I was back in the room, andfound myself speaking forcefully in a language I didn'tknow.

As I left tearfully, still a little unhappy about my new commitment, Iwas amazed that this new language was still running through my head.I got sick from the night air with near pneumonia and as I lay in mybed, I was again overwhelmed at the vision I had seen and theexperience I had, and that this language still ran in my head. When Ifinally called one of those Christian friends, she told me that over50 people had been praying for me in the previous weeks.

As time went on, I was a natural soul winner. I told everything thatmoved about my new love, Jesus. I jumped right into the middle of theJesus Movement. When I graduated as Salutatorian a year and a halflater, I used my graduation speech to tell my testimony and try topersuade all of the real meaning of life, a relationship with theLord.

During that last year, we lived in the mountains outside of San Diego, and Iled my friends in Bible studies and experiences in the Lord. Though Ididn't know much of what I was doing, when I prayed for them, God'spower came down and they not only began to speak in tongues, but"fell out" or "were slain" in the Spirit. It came as ashock!

After graduation, I went to a Christian college. I didn't know what to dowith my life exactly, but I wanted to serve the Lord. I wasdisappointed in my peers who only wanted to date or play Frisbee, andwere not interested in witnessing.

Near the end of the second semester, a couple of young men living by faithcame onto the campus, and brought revival into my soul. They got asmall following among us, and though were not part of the Children ofGod, they sang their songs and spoke highly of them.

So, when I went back for the summer to Texas where my mother had moved,we promised to meet again. Meanwhile, I started attending a couplechurches and coffee house ministries in Dallas.

One day in prayer, I felt that the Lord was telling me to go forward, notto the right or left. Then I had a dream that I was in that coffeehouse, and a man walked in that looked a lot like Jesus. The next dayI went there, and it happened as I had dreamed.

The man went by the name Eleazar and I started falling in love with him.(People involved with the Children of God took on Bible names.) Hetook me witnessing, and read me funny writings called "Mo letters"that dared to curse and talk about political things rather thanspiritual, along with more spiritual writings. Eleazar, though notliving with them, was an associate member of the Children of God. Hetook me to their colony and showed me how they were living the bookof Acts. They forsook all to serve Jesus and went witnessing everyday! This seemed too good to be true. Though I had doubts, Ioverlooked them most of the time.

Eleazar, his friend Jonathan, and I decided to take a trip to California toget the things I had left at college. We stopped on the way to see apregnant friend of mine at a girl's home in Colorado, and Jonathanbegan a relationship with her that later led to marriage.

On this trip, Jonathan came on strong with classes, Bible studies, andmany Mo letter readings. He came down hard on me if I questioned ordisagreed, and even made fun of the way I prayed. He intimidated meinto submission. I believed I was wrong because they were so strongin the Lord and in "The Family" and had been "serving God full-time"for so long. And we won souls on the trip and had many excitingexperiences.

Soon after I came back, while visiting "The Rock House" colony andwitnessing with them often, my friend came with her new baby to livein the "associate colony" that Eleazar and I were forming. (It neverdawned on me that neither Eleazar nor I should maybe join the RockHouse.) It was exciting, but I soon found that he was seeing anothergirl, trying to win her to the Family, and that girl was falling inlove with him. My friend and I decided to go visit her parents inOregon.

While there, her parents clearly came against us, especially me as the"leader". They were even thinking about deprogramming her, so we fledto a colony in Spokane, where Jonathan came to meet us. I joinedfull-time, and she and Jonathan made their own associatecolony.

That first six months in the group, witnessing at the 1974 World's Fair, Ihad an exciting and fulfilling time living communally, visiting ourrefuge in the wilderness, learning the songs, memorizing hundreds ofScriptures, and especially witnessing and passing out "Mo Letter"tracts. I won souls and felt I was making a difference. The onlything that concerned me was that my leaders (which were told byleaders told by Mo) told us to let the Letters do the witnessing andtherefore to not spend much time with individuals. Also, variousthings I read in the writings did not seem to be what I had thoughtor been taught, but I discounted my own perceptions to be "notspiritual enough" or as they said, "being an old bottle, unable totake the new wine".

Mo claimed and most everyone believed he was God's endtime prophet. Hetaught in his letters on everything. There were even letters aboutchildcare, food preparation, and sex. He started to say things like," We have a sexy God and a sexy religion, so if you don't like sex,you better get out while you can still save your bra." Yet, we wereliving at that time a celibate lifestyle, even though we livedcommunally.

However, we heard rumors about certain leaders....

At this same time, he told us that he heard directly from God and thatwe had better obey what God said now rather than what He said 2000years ago. The Bible the group had lived by and memorized, now becamesecondary. We said we lived by it, but only really by Mo'sinterpretation. We continued to win souls (the same way that anynormal Christian would), though we encouraged them to join the group.Few joined in comparison to the many we won.

I moved to a colony in California and helped lead the colonies there ina "litnessing revolution" where we gave out up to a thousand MoLetters a day each, with less regard for the donation per item.(Previously, few got the letters without giving something first.)(Litnessing was witnessing with literature.) I had a lot of joy,again believing I was making a difference, and this new revolutionhad more witnessing, too.

Meanwhile, Mo gave a warning (for about the third time of exodus) to get themembers out of the states. Most of us were single and could easilymove to other countries. We believed that God was going to destroyAmerica for her sins imminently. We also believed that the GreatTribulation was going to start in the early 90s, so we needed to getthe message out quickly over the next decade or so.

I went to Mexico, and lived in various colonies. I loved the newculture, learned the language, and had a good time. However, variousleaders were beginning to show their true ungodly colors by makingthe disciples have quotas on literature out/donations in per day, anddid not allow them to come home until they met it. I was made acolony shepherd, but was really a puppet in authority, as a harddistrict shepherd and his wife lived with us, always telling me howto lead the disciples and ready to put the blame on me if we didn'tdo well enough.

Letters began to come out concerning a new form of witnessing that Mo and hiswife were trying called "Flirty-Fishing". It involved going out toclubs and bars to witness to men and attract them to you. It went asfar as to have you go to bed with them to win them to Jesus. He wroteletters like, "When is sin not sin", "When in Doubt, Do" and "TheGirl who Wouldn't." In fact, as time he wrote over 100 letters onthis subject of "F-Fing", though I heard they eventually burned thebook that contained them. The colonies around Mexico city created adisco or two and had a couple of singing groups that even cut recordsthat were played locally. We still weren't during real F-Fing,though.

What was just theory except among Mo and his wife and a few experimentalleaders, finally became the order for the average disciple. Thoughthere were ways to get around it, if you did not flirty fish, or ifyou could have vocalized disagreement with it, you were consideredless spiritual, less revolutionary, and could be in jeopardy ofcounseling "confession sessions" or at the least, loss of status andprivilege.

When my visa ran out, I returned from Mexico and met Dekar. At this time,little F-Fing was going on, but I could see the writing on the wall.Through a number of events, we were put together, and began to fallin love. However, we had problems with our relationship, which wethought were sexual, since our leaders didn't allow us to "go all theway." We argued in the days before and after the "surprise" weddingparty. (In the Family, it wasn't a wedding ceremony, but usually aparty that happened when the leaders chose, and thus, no backing out.At least I didn't have my mate chosen for me, as did many in theprevious years.)

We quickly had 4 children and 2 miscarriages in 4 1/2 years. The Familydid not believe in birth control. Since I was always pregnant ornursing, I was able to get out of much F-Fing or "sharing" with thebrothers. (Earlier, sharing meant sharing your heart--a new term thatyou didn't use unless you intended on having sex.) Later, after Ileft the group, the shepherds set up "sharing" schedules so no onewould get left out.

Deep inside, I knew these new doctrines were wrong. I tried to accept themwith my head, but my heart told me different. I just couldn'tunderstand how we were justified in Romans, and then set free fromthe law, to have such freedom to sin again, just calling it somethingdifferent. The idea was that we needed to be willing to lay down ourlife (in every way, even sexually), or our wife for the Lord (and theFamily) in order to bring someone to Jesus. In this way, it would notbe a sin, but a sacrifice for the Lord.

Dekar and I fought often over the issue, though I never admitted todisagreeing with it. He claimed that God could not bless usfinancially if I was not F-Fing. Through a number of events, weusually were trying to pioneer our own colony, so usually didn't livewith any one else. I believe that the Lord allowed that to eventuallyget us out.

Other doctrines struck me wrong, especially Mo's being spoken through by"Abrahim" and other spirits. His "Holy Spirits" letter claimed therewas a library full of spirits in heaven that would help us or evenspeak to us, if we wanted. From my early Jesus People days, I knewthat prophecy should come as speaking from THE Holy Spirit, and Hewould always lift up Jesus. Many and later, most, of what Mo spokeforth sometimes glorified Mo and his immediate family, about what agreat prophet he was, etc. And he usually had more of theseexperiences when he had been drinking.

Onetime, the whole group fasted for Mo, since we were told his healthand life were in jeopardy. Years later, he wrote a letter called, "IWas An Alcoholic," and I shuddered that we had fasted for his healthbrought on by his own excesses!

Astime went on, Dekar and I had some good times, like going back toMexico for a few months, but more and more we fought. Dekar began todrink more on a daily basis instead of the occasional wine we hadusually had. And he became more unreasonable and blamed me foreverything.

AfterMexico, we had come back to my home town, and were living in a housethat my parents had bought for a rent house. When I had the fourthchild, I had a talk with the Lord that I wanted to bear fruitspiritually instead of physically, and began to secretly use birthcontrol.

Meanwhile,some of the letters began talking about allowing children to havesexual play together, and even with adults. The idea repulsed me. Ithought to myself that if F-Fing eventually made it out to theregular disciple, that this concept would soon be allowed orenforced. I'd already heard of one case which, for some reason, hadnot been disciplined. Now I understood why.

Dekarwas high strung and our little town didn't support the litnessingwell. So he kept losing jobs and finally went to Dallas to findanother temporary job.

So,left alone with the four kids, I began to listen to Christian radio.It fed me and thrilled me. Those people seemed so pure! James Dobsonalways had guests that seemed to speak to my situation, and NightSounds comforted me in the night. While Dekar was gone, the newsstory of the children being molested in a daycare facility inCalifornia began to unfold. I felt so sorry for those kids, and soangry at their perpetrators! And I thought to myself, "What is thedifference between that and what we are reading?"

Mylife seemed a shambles. My love for Jesus and my husband had growncold. Service for God was now out of duty alone. And my hyper-activekids destroyed all ideals I had for them of being like many Familykids, singing and quoting Scriptures in churches and in public. Therewas little chance my kids would do that!

Ibegan to cry out to God, "Can a person be born again, again?" I criedthat I wanted His help, and I was willing to do anything to receivethat help. I never considered it would be to leave the group. Onetime, in the midst of my crying, the baby blankets hanging across mynew daughter's crib formed an image that in the dark looked likeJesus standing there with his head "Talit" (head covering) on. Itreally comforted me.

Oneday, my grandmother handed me a book written by Mo's daughter thathad left the group a few years earlier. Of course, we had heard allthe propaganda of how and why she left, and how bad she was. In fact,any one who disagreed with Mo or left that had been in the limelight,was usually the subject of one of his haranguing Letters.

SinceDekar was out of town, I had time to read it undisturbed. ThisCHILDREN OF GOD: THE INSIDE STORY began to open my eyes. Things thatI had put on the back burner for years, since I had not been"spiritual" enough to understand, I now began to see clearly. Thingslike his son Aaron not dying on the mountain gloriously in anaccident, but rather that it was probably a suicide. Things like Mo'smother, who supposedly had been paralyzed for 5 years, thengloriously healed, giving birth in the middle of those 5 years!!Though the writer had a bitter look on some things, and though herlife in the "royal family" was slightly different than the commondisciple, the truth was revealed.

Idecided to leave the Family.

Now,physically, we had not lived communally in years. And wehalf-heartedly had told my family that we weren't in it anymore. Butmentally and spiritually and emotionally, we were still in the group.We tithed to them, and read their publications as ourmeat.

Theweek while I read the book was a tormenting one. I could clearly seethe truth, and how that I had been deceived, yet my pride didn't wantto let go of this idealism we had portrayed. The whole week mybrother (who was agnostic at the time) came and listened to me forhours till 2 am. I told him that on one hand, stretching my arms wayout, Mo could be God's endtime prophet, and I should embrace all ofthe doctrines wholeheartedly. On the other hand, if this book wastrue, and we had been deceived all along, I should getout!

Daily,between readings, as I did my chores, and tended my four children,verses that I had read filled my heart and mind. "Flee fornication.""Let fornication not be named once among you." "This is the will ofGod, even your sanctification, that you flee fornication." "Many willcome in my name and deceive many." And many others!

Ihad not heard the Holy Spirit this clearly in years! And why had Inot seen these verses with such meaning before in my not-so-dailyBible readings? The scales had fallen from my eyes.

AsI embraced my decision, a new sense of freedom flooded me. My joybegan to return. And I didn't know what Dekar would do, but mydecision was final!

Thenext day he returned. He had laid down some kind of fleece to theLord, and knew he should come back immediately. He read the book anddecided to leave also!

Onepoint the book made was that when a cult member goes back to society,they have lost some of the best years of their life. They've lost theyears when usually people marry, finish college, get a career, andbuy a house and a car. Cult members may take twice the time to catchup what they've lost.

Wetalked about it. I wanted to continue what path I had been on when Ihad joined the group. I still wanted to serve the Lord.

Westarted attending church where I'd heard the pastor on radio. Oneservice, he talked about the Bible School in Dallas he'd attended fora semester. It sounded wonderful! A place where we could get ourheads on straight, our doctrine straight, and learn how tolegitimately serve the Lord. We sold everything and went to Christfor the Nations Institute.

Now,the administrators there immediately had doubts about our sincerityand made us wait to become full-time students until the nextsemester, but allowed us to take night classes. I hungrily ate themup and attended every general public session that the school offered.I was a more whole hearted student than many there, and surely got asmuch out of that first "non-student" semester as I did the following2 years.

Myhusband, however, had a rough time. It was as if the rug had beenpulled out from under him, spiritually. He had gotten saved throughthe Family, and had little religious experience besides. He began tohave nervous breakdowns and was finally diagnosed as having bi-polardisorder. He was kept on medication throughout our time at school,and was on his best behavior towards me.

Assoon as we left, though, he went back to many of the old behaviors,and a couple years later we split up.

Meanwhile,my zeal for God opened doors for me. My last semester, I began tohelp a main professor to write books, (which now, 11 years later, Iam again doing for him).

AfterCFNI, I volunteered and then worked for Mike Evans Ministries inDallas. God was giving me the desires of my heart.

Then,on the way to another city, my brother (who by then had alsograduated from CFNI), my kids, and I got stuck again in our mother'sand grandmother's town, Amarillo. (I never grew up here, but it isthe only place I can say is "back home.")

Thelast 6 years have been a wilderness experience for us. But the kidshave had the stability of living in the same house, and the love ofother relatives.

However,since I decided to always "occupy" the territory that Jesus gives me,God has opened many doors for us.

Sinceliving here, we have been able to do street ministry to Mardi Gras inNew Orleans 3 times, witness at the Olympics in Atlanta, and otherstreet events.

TheLord let me find another ex-Cog organization called Safe Haven thathas yearly reunions of ex-Family members, and I attended three. Inthem, I was able to minister one-on-one to a number of people (andsome to me!) and began to interview on videotape their testimonies.It clarified their own thoughts as well as gave me something to showto people who were just leaving the group. I also authored a shortbook on "How to Keep Your Kids From Falling Into Cults." As I studiedat CFNI (and after) about deception and cults, the Lord began to giveme wisdom to begin to speak on the issues, both publicly andindividually. The Lord gave me the name "Sword of the LordMinistries," since his true Word will divide the truth from deceptionin people's lives. A year ago, my computer programmer brother put upa web page for the ministry, that includes my and other people'swritings on the Children of God and other cults. It has generatedenough email to keep me busy 2-3 hours a day, counseling people whowould never darken the door of a church, and who just need to talk tosomeone who has been there and understands.

Aninteresting door also opened for me to have my own daily talk showcalled "Virtuous Reality" on one Christian station. When there weresome leadership shake-ups and the show was canceled, I thought it wasover. But only a couple months later, the former manager was invitedto another local Christian station to have a weekly two-hour talkshow, and he and I have been co-hosts for over 2 years, recentlyadding a third host. It is called NightTalk, and has various guests,usually people involved in a ministry.

Myarticles are also published from time to time in the local paper andhave been in national church publications. I am in a Christianwriter's group, involved in my church, and in a separate Bible study.I keep busy.

AllI want to do is serve the Lord, and one of my main goals is to setpeople free from deception, whether from a cult or from other abuses.I am glad to be a part of Christian radio, which originally helpedbring me out of the cult. And I want to proclaim, "You shall know theTruth (Jesus), and the Truth shall set you free!"

Love,Marlene*** Formerly Faithful (or Ephraim) Little One