Day 3, Saturday - What are YOU pretending not to know?
 
I did not get a good night sleep Friday night. Opening up the 
subconscious will keep you awake.  I had a feeling of anxiousness 
for getting there on time Saturday morning. Boy were we trained 
good.  I knew all of this consciously yet could do nothing about it. 
After driving around the parking garage looking for a space I ran to 
the hotel to make it on time and did with only two minutes to spare. 
(Oh God the music is playing, I better get to my seat.)
 
The session started off with another closed eye exercise in which we 
were reminded of more negative things about ourselves. I kept my 
eyes cracked open and was muttering things like "NOT", "No way 
baby", "Not in my universe", etc. in order to help counteract the 
effect of the exercise.
 
What these negative exercises do is to pull up the negative things 
that are buried in the subconscious. This is not necessarily wrong, 
but people do not realize that this is what happens. 
 
Then we listened to this wailing blues song to put us in the mood. 
After this the trainer asks 
 
"Who wants to share?"
 
By this time there are several people in the group who have been 
opened up psychologically and put in a sufficiently altered state of 
consciousness that they are having things surface out of their 
subconscious. 
 
A row of chairs has been placed on the stage and several people come 
forward to fill them.
 
The first one to stand up to be processed is a woman who confesses 
being sexually molested as a child. The woman tells the story and 
appears to be reliving the experience. 
 
Woman: "My father is sticking his tongue in me, I don't like it."
 
Trainer: "Uh huh. What else is he doing?"
 
The trainer speaks coldly and authoritatively with no trace of 
compassion in the voice. The woman confesses the entire story of 
being raped by her father and is crying like a little child. The 
trainer nods and acts like they have heard it all before. Several 
people in the room (myself included) are crying in sympathy. The 
emotion is way too intense. Tension is extremely high in the room.
 
The trainer walks up on stage next to the woman and screams in her 
face "TELL YOUR FATHER HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS! TELL HIM!. The woman 
screams out "I HATE YOU! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?"
 
The trainer yells "WHAT ARE YOU FEELING? WHERE IS THAT ENERGY IN 
YOUR BODY?" The woman points to her solar plexus. The trainer 
demands "HAVE THAT ENERGY MAKE A SOUND AND LET IT OUT". The woman 
lets out a long scream into the mike and then bursts into tears. One 
of the assistants helps her back to her seat.
 
Another grown man around 50 years old gets up and starts relating 
the story of how his he and his brother were playing hide and seek. 
While he was hiding, the father called them in and he didn't hear 
him. The father went out to look for him and when found, the father 
beat him mercilessly. While telling the story, the man is crying 
uncontrollably. Again the trainer asks what he was feeling and where 
it was in his body. The trainer aggressively coaches out another 
long scream into the mike.
 
Another man gets up and confesses that he feels numb and can't feel 
love. The trainer asks him to have that numbness make a sound. He 
hums into the mike for a while and eventually breaks down crying 
like a baby.
 
Person after person gets processed in this fashion by the trainer. 
They all end up screaming and crying into the microphone. Amplified 
by a PA system it has a powerful effect on the rest of us. This type 
of "sharing", more accurately described as " catharsis " is what the previous 
two days of aggressive awareness exercises produces in the 
participants. These exercises, along with the sleep deprivation have 
opened people up psychologically and have produced a strong altered 
state of consciousness such that the childhood traumas that have 
been long buried in the subconscious are now surfacing.
 
One man confesses that he never told his mother that he loved her. 
The trainer tells him to get on his knees and visualize his mother 
and tell her. While he is on his knees the staff in the back of the 
room play a song about "Mommy being there to tie your shoes and dry 
your eyes" through the PA system. I am thinking, "Man, they have a 
song for every occasion". During one of the breaks I check out the 
PA system and there are dozens of tapes in a rack. 
 
After about 3-4 hours of this it is time for the "What do you want?" process.
 
In this process people pair off in chairs facing one another. One 
person is the coach and screams in the other person's face at the 
top of his lungs "WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?" The second 
person screams at the top of his lungs anything that pops up "LOVE, 
LIFE, HAPPINESS, FREEDOM, etc". Sometimes something negative will 
come up spontaneously. "HATE" I don't think that is what the person 
wants it is just what comes up. 
 
The lights are dimmed and the process begins. The trainer and the 
staff cruise the room shouting in people's faces too. Whenever one 
comes by me I scream out "QUIET" or "A REFUND" or "PRIMAL SCREAM 
THERAPY". (I gotta have some fun with this). During this process 
there are a few shivers of emotional release. I don't know what I am 
releasing. Guess it doesn't matter.
 
This process went on for an ungodly amount of time. At the end we 
were coached to let out several screams (no words). Over 100 people 
in a hotel ballroom screaming at the top of their lungs. At the end 
we are to hug the other person and listen to another song.
 
 
I Want To Know What Love Is - Foreigner 
 
      I gotta take a little time, a little time to think things over
      I better read between the lines, in case I need it when I'm older
 
      Now this mountain I must climb, feels like the world upon my shoulders
      Through the clouds I see love shine, it keeps me warm as life grows 
       colder
 
      In my life there's been heartache and pain
      I don't know if I can face it again
      Can't stop now, I've travelled so far, to change this lonely life
 
      I want to know what love is, I want you to show me
      I want to feel what love is, I know you can show me
 
      I'm gonna take a little time, a little time to look around me
      I've got nowhere left to hide, it looks like love has finally found me
 
      In my life there's been heartache and pain
      I don't know if I can face it again
      Can't stop now, I've travelled so far, to change this lonely life
 
      I want to know what love is, I want you to show me
      I want to feel what love is, I know you can show me
      I want to know what love is, I want you to show me
      (And I wanna feel) I want to feel what love is
      (And I know) I know you can show me
 
      Let's talk about love - I want to know what love is
      The love that you feel inside - I want you to show me
      And I'm feeling so much love - I want to feel what love is
      No, you just can't hide - I know you can show me
      I want to know what love is (let's talk about love), I know you can 
        show me
      I wanna feel it too - I want to feel what love is
      I wanna feel it too, and I know and I know - I know you can show me
      Show me love is real, yeah - I want to know what love is...
 
After this we were instructed to find a spot in the room and sit or 
lay down on the floor. The trainer starts another closed eye 
process. (Jeez, can't we take a break? We keep getting slammed with 
process after process.)
 
This process starts out with "walking down a spiral staircase into 
the darkness". This is a classic hypnotic induction technique. We 
are led through dark passageways in a maze like fashion. After being 
led through the catacombs of our consciousness we come to a door. At 
this point the tunnels we have been led through collapse behind us. 
The only way out is through the door. There is a saying in hypnosis 
that you have to go through the basement to get to the attic.
 
When we open the door we are led into a room of bright light. After 
ascending a golden staircase we sit down on a special chair. We are 
guided to pick up a photo album representing our lives.
 
When we look up from the album, standing there is your mother. We 
were told to say anything we wanted to our mother. Some people were 
crying, others were screaming, others were having conversations with 
their mothers. We repeated this with our fathers. Then we repeated 
this with other family members. I found that I didn't have any 
buried resentments against my parents. It was emotional though. Pass 
the kleenex. 
 
Next we were led through a process where we meet our inner child and 
the child gives us a gift. The gifts are different for each person 
and reflect something in their consciousness. This is a very moving 
and touching experience. These types of processes are done in 
seminars done by John Bradshaw and others. However I don't believe 
Bradshaw does this aggressive breakdown stuff beforehand. One of the 
staffers was next to me on the floor and she was boo-hooing big 
time. She had done Lifespring. I asked her if she had done this 
process before. She said no. Apparently Lifespring does not have an 
inner child process. I found a link for a similar type of inner 
child meditation that we did. 
 
We setup the chairs and sit back in our seats. Now the trainer 
becomes "seductive and charming" and invites people to share what 
they experienced. I was wondering when the changeover to "nice" 
would take place. 
 
After this we took a meal break for an hour and a half. When we came 
back the music is cranked up and there is an hour of dancing. I will 
point out here that this type of physical exertion is helpful at 
this point.  People have just released major emotional stuff. It 
also releases a lot of the tension and gets your energy flowing 
again. 
 
The moving meditation, hug line, or love bomb process - This process 
involves a long snaking circular line. Where we are given the 
opportunity to silently interact with every person in the room 
including the staff. We are instructed to vote with our fingers: one 
finger means no contact, Two means to look the other person in the 
eyes, three fingers for a handshake, and four to give a full body 
hug. None of this lean over and keep your pelvis away type of hug 
stuff. This is full contact head to toe. Most everyone votes to hug. 
It is a very moving experience. 
 
We are dismissed early (before 10) in comparison to the last two 
nights. Homework was given to try to reconnect with a family member 
or someone from the past.
 

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