My story of a my experience being a Jehovahs Witness begins really with my mother. My mother was raised in a rural Minnesota Catholic community. One day while my mother was young she had the unfortunate experience of a Catholic Deacon making a sexual advance on her. This was the beginning of her disgust with organized religion. Another important factor worth mentioning in my mothers childhood was that her father, my Grandpa, was a chronic alcoholic until his early death.
Actually, the story really begins with my uncle Larry, my moms older brother. He joined the Navy in the 60s, shortly after enlisting he became chemically addicted and used, according to his testimony everything that was given him. It didnt take him long before he developed psychotic symptoms. For example, he told us that once he thought he was an orange and that people were going to squeeze him (I am seroius). It was at this point that he turned toward God. He searched, according to him, every religion looking for the Truth. It was during this period of search that, while stationed in Hawaii, he went up into the hills with his bible to search out God. By luck of the draw, a Jehovahs Witness happened to be hiking and ran into my Uncle alone. As one can guess, Larry saw this as divine intervention. He immediately studied and became a witness. Shortly thereafter, he arrived back home to his family in Minnesota to bring them the Truth. Larry began his quest to save the world.
My mother was the only one who heeded his message. Shortly she began studying. My father attended a couple meetings, but came to the conclusion they were brain washing. At about this point their marriage, already in shambles, disintegrated. My brothers Sean (6yrs), and Keith (4Yrs), and I (7yrs) continued to live with our Mother.
So, our life began as Jehovahs witnesses. As we grew older we would study before each meeting with mom, plus Larry would conduct a weekly bible study with us. Larry by this point is an elder and a Pioneer, witnessing to the point of complete exhaustion (this is not an understatement). I think he is currently the presiding overseer.
My family, in spite of always appearing righteous in public, was very dysfunctional. Mom had developed bulimia. My brother Sean had developed a temper problem. Keith had always looked up to Sean, but was still moms baby. He would end up sleeping with mom at night for security up until age six or seven. And I retreated in my little world of books.
I remember always being concerned how we (my family) appeared in public so as to make our religion look exemplary. In this way, I think I developed a dual sided self. One side was my private side that I never told anyone for fear of the elders or Larry reprimanding or looking at me with disfavor. This secret part of myself, something that I wasnt even entirely aware I had, lead to me feeling that I was weird or completely strange. I never talked about these feelings either. The other part of myself, as I refered to earlier, was the public me, the act.
Deep down even as a youth, I would question certain teachings held by the Watchtower Society, but I thought that doubting was a sign of weakness hence I felt shame. I would simply forget these doubts in order to relieve their anxiety. Another example of a teaching that gave me shame was the teaching that the end was coming soon. And, you are supposed to Love God with your whole heart, mind, and soul. But deep down I knew, I had a relationship with God because I feared being on the losing side of the affair when the end did come. I thought that the other JWs had developed a real love relationship, but that I was selfish and somehow sick. This too I would push out of my mind when it arose.
My younger brother Sean, now about 13 years old, was gifted in the sense that he was socially likable. He became popular not only in school, but also in with our JW congregation. He was putting in many hours door to door. Shortly, he became baptized. I was told that I wasnt ready. So I put in Pioneer hours door to door, and was then baptized the next convention. I really regret that. But, at the time was seeking acceptance and I wanted to be left alone by Larry who was putting exceeding pressure on me to get grow as a JW.
Seans popularity grew at school and he was having a tremendous difficulty balancing this with his life as a JW. Something had to give, so he neglected his schoolwork. Once my mother and dad saw his dramatic drop in grades, he was severely reprimanded . This added pressure was the final straw that broke Sean. At the age of fifteen Sean committed suicide.
After the shock settled, I moved in with dad, leaving the JWs. Well not quite that easy. Aside from the fact that Seans suicide was so sudden that my brain shut off any immediate pain that I would have to cope with later, I found that the JW beliefs follow you around. Among many factors, I think the single most fundamentally harmful belief that I had after leaving the JWs was that well, since I am dying forever soon when the End comes, I my as well enjoy it now. Hence, eat drink and be merry for tomorrow ...
The sad thing is that many people who leave JW have this exact same notion. That is why JWs frequently mention that those people that do leave the Witnesses are often worse off than those already in the world. They think of it as the devil working in these apostates. I differ. Like last summer a fellow JW family I grew up with in St. Cloud (a small Minnesota City) stopped attending meetings. One of their sons a, from what I remember as a faithful and mild tempered youth, was shot and killed by the police after shooting at them when he stole a car. No one will ever be able to tell me that this youngster wasnt suffering from similar notions and other powerfull psychological dynamics induced while a JW. I expect many of us have seen this.
My mother is still a witness. I am disfellowship (someone saw me buy a pack of smokes. Hey, it was the first pack I had ever purchased, pretty smart, huh). My mother did not attend my wedding two weeks ago (maybe a good thing for both of us).
My youngest brother Keith, isstill dependent on mom, or shall I say she is codependent on him. He is currently addicted to assorted chemicals, but he very defensively holds that the JWs are the TRUTH an that he will go back some day. He didn't make it to my wedding either, he was in treatment. His sobriety lasted for about a day, of course the treatment could have been more effective if mom hadnt taken the opportunity during Family Group to witness to everyone (a true blue symptom of a religion addiction).
Its sorta ironic how this story ends kinda how it started. I eventually met a Catholic professor who was able to guide me towards a healthy and balanced world view. Bless his soul, for helping me develop a healthy relationship with God. A relationship with God that is a FREE choice that I have to make each moment of every day, not one that is socially coerced or done out of fear. Plus I met a wonderful woman ... happily ever after ...
I really wish I would have found Jesus Witnesses a couple years ago. But better late than never. I just wanted thank all who contribute. This is an important ministry.
Sincerely,
Larrys nephew
(come on give me a break, theres too much disclosure to reveal name : )